I want to save my marriage - ideas?

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oh I see well that's horrible if he doesn't find you attractive because you gained weight and congrats on losing the pounds. I don't know what else to tell you, sorry i couldn't give you better advice. good luck anyway.

I hope I don't upset you, but is there any possibility at all that maybe he's met someone else? I am only asking because he sounds more like he want's out then to be married. Something has happened the last couple of months, can you think of anything at all that may have happened, if not an affair? I commend you for wanting to stay in your marriage, I too have been married a little over 5 years and it is not the happiest marriage either, I think if you feel it is something else other then an affair I would keep doing what you are doing and try to make it work, if there was an affair, then I would do a lot of praying and I guess decide what you feel is best for you. Gods Blessings to you.

GNCD - Please see my comment to response 16 to explain the affair thing.

First I wanted to say I think most (if not all) women empathize with you. In some form, shape or sense..we have all been there.

I also wanted to sugguest this site (I make NO profit or earrings from it)..because it has helped me tremdously.

Ok...http://www.MortFertel.com

or do your own google search for "help my marriage".

I do wish you the best of luck and love..you may or may not have a long road ahead of you.

Also, and I do NOT know your religious/spirtual beliefs..but sometimes it helps me to try to figure out how I contributed to the situation. And then try to erase or ease the "problem".

There also is a lady by the name of "Rori Raye" that you might want to look up.

Hope some of this helps.

Tammie
http://tlcpro.com/lifechanges

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I think he is depressed but he says he isn't. I think there is more to this then what he is saying. I know there isn't another girl or any thing but I think its more along the lines of he needs to help himself for a while.

I agree that communication is vital in a relationship, but I can't make him talk. I will talk till I am blue in the face and honestly I get more of a response from the walls then him.

Depression is a tough one. For a long time I didn't realize it myself. Even when Tim said something I denied it and said I was fine. No matter what make sure that he always knows that you are there for him. Don't ever let him forget that one. I know that its hard and you get tired of talking and always being the one talking. But we do not want him to forget it. Somehow someway you need to get through the barriers that he has built up.

I am hoping that the during the marriage counseling we can figure out what is really bothering him. Thank you for all your input - its appreciated greatly. Just talking about it helps. And as one of the responders pointed out its hard to talk to (close) friends and family about it because if things work out - they may be critical because of what they know.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

Yes we have a daughter she is 19 months old.
No there is no third party. Neither one of us have time to cheat.
The marriage was not forced upon.

I believe your last statement is true but its not what I want to hear or believe.

Well I cannot give any advice right now since I am seeing that your husband is refusing to have your marriage workout. Maybe during one of your sessions the true reasons behind his giving up the marriage might be revealed and you might as well decide too to give up or fight something that is not worth fighting for.

Yes I agree that in time I will figure out the real reason and at that point decide if its time to just let go. Thank you!

Again not to upset you, but a person never knows for a fact, unless you follow him everywhere he goes. I have heard of workplace affairs, know matter what the job is. Heck my husband is a mechanic and told me when he worked at his old job, one of his co-workers (who was married) went in the bathroom with a female friend that they all knew and had relations with her in the bathroom, right there in the shop. Most of the times they say the spouse is always the last to know.

GNCD - I'm not trying to be rude - But again I know for a fact my husband isn't seeing some one else. I know he is not screwing some one else. Becuase you don't live our life you wouldn't understand but I do know for a fact that my husband isn't cheating on me. Cheating is NOT the issue.

gncd - cheating does not have to be the only reason. When my ex became abusive I knew he was not cheating on me. He also pretty much alienated me from my family - I stopped doing things with them in order to try and be 'the good wife' and not give him any reason to get all over me. It didn't help.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I know in my brain that every thing you just said is true. But my heart doesn't want it to be. I have heard the statement follow your heart so many times, but my heart is telling me to fight for my marriage. And the realty is I can't do it alone.

All I know is I am not filing for a divorce if he wants one then he needs to take the iniciative and file. Its hard because he goes back and forth so much - saying I want to work it out - I don't want to - I want to - I don't want to.

I know I should make the decision for him and leave but I'm affraid that if I do that I will lose him - If I stay then I still have a chance. I'm holding on to that hope because I truly love him and truly want to be with him.

I guess I my fighting it is good in a way - I just don't want to work it out for now and 6 months down the road be back here. I don't want to prolong the inevitable. I will fight till the end. Until he files for a divorce I will fight for him.

Yes the communication was basically non existant. I talk he doesn't. I really talk, I really tell him what is on my mind how I am feeling, and every thing else. He is the type of person to hold it all in and explode all at once. I knew he wasn't really happy but when I would ask him what was going on I didn't receive an answer.

I want to agree that he wants what we had, but when I say we can have it again we have to work on it. He says he doesn't want to work on it. It should just be there. I say no a marriage takes work even a good one.

Every marriage takes work, heck, every RELATIONSHIP takes work. People who do not think so never take into account why long marriages and long friendships survive, even through things like geographical distance due to jobs, deployments, or simply moving away from somebody. It is definitely all in communication, AND (you'll think this is funny) in the way you fight. Everything is not fair in love and war. If you love somebody, you may disagree, FERVENTLY disagree at that, but because you love them you would (or should) be more likely just to let them disagree and not start cussing and screaming at them and calling them an idiot because you don't agree. EB, not only is your husband refusing to communicate, he has the wrong idea about marriage. A good marriage may LOOK easy. My best friend's husband has the same problem. He thinks he does not have to communicate with her, but he expects her to read his mind! He also believes for some odd reason that MY husband thinks like he does and therefore comes to the same conclusions he does, which could not be further from the truth. He also figures that since my husband and I don't have many problems, that I must be bending over backwards kissing his butt, which is again pretty far from the truth. My husband is not a controlling nutjob, like my ex lol.

Communication is horriable - I talk he doesn't. Please see above comments for more on that.

I am honest with him about every thing - he is honest with me when he talks.

Nope no third party - I know it for a fact.

I agree that a trial seperation would do us some good. I WILL fight this till the end. I WILL fight for my marriage. I won't just give up on 5 years and the promiss I made to him. I promissed to love for better or worse. This is one of the bad times but I still have a glimmer of hope it will work it self out. I may be wrong but I'm not giving in until I HAVE to.

Thats my point - how do I make him want to stay. What do I have to do? He asked that I change a few things and I have been working on them. They are not things I can change over night - All I ask for is time and for him to try.

You have to explain to him that you can't change over night and I don't think that he should expect you to but, if you aren't making a full effort to it then he will see that as well. Marriage are very hard to make work. It is more difficult if you both want different things. If you have good communication it will make your work much less hard. I don't have good communication with my husband, I wish I did because it would make our marriage so much better. Yes we can talk about general things but anything else pretty much turns into a huge verbal fight about different things. I stay in my marriage because I know that my husband is a good man, he just lacks communication skills, I have asked him to change that, and he is and is working hard at it. I know that he won't change over night and when I feel that everything is right back to the way it was before, I tell him. It's so difficult and I really hope and wish you all of the very best!

He knows I can't change over night. I am already seeing the differance in myself I don't see a differance in him. I communicate with him - he doesn't talk to me. Talking to a wall gets more response. My husband is a great man in many ways. Its just the part where he does't talk so every thing builds up and in the end he explodes, not physcially not even loudly just says every thing at once. Things that I am like where did that come from. And it was some thing that happened 3 months ago. We don't fight. I fight some times but he doesn't and if I get loud he will leave the room. I could be nicer but at times I just don't want to I just want to get it out.

The two of you sound like me and my husband. I never yelled, he always yelled. I would open up and tell him things and he would yell at me, so then I shut down and didn't want to tell him things because he yelled at me for the way that I felt. I found myself talking to my best friend because he didn't yell at me he would just listen and try to give me a "man's point of view" it really helped a lot. Then I told my husband I was leaving because I couldn't be in a marriage where he wanted me to tell him what was wrong but then when I did he yelled at me about it. After all this time of him yelling at me, I have become a yeller as well. We are both working to make the other one happy. It will take a long time for our marriage to heal but I know that we can do it. His biggest complaint about me is that I am not a touchy person. I don't hold his hand enough hug him enough so on. He doesn't understand that certain parts of my past prevent me from doing this. But, I try every day (well not this week because I have poison ivy and don't want to touch anything and spread it). It is so very hard. But, no one ever said marriage was easy so we both continue to try.

I know that I need to work on my communication as does he. I need to learn to effectivly communicate and he needs to just learn to communicate period. Thank you for all your input. Your comments have been very helpful and it is nice to talk about it to an outside person. I hope that I didn't make him sound horriable as he really is just the oppsite. He really is a great person he just needs to work on some of his own personal issues before we can work on "our" issues.

Nope not horriable. I know that it takes two, and that sometimes just venting ranting whichever really helps you feel better! It's probably best you do it here and not at home so that you don't say things that you really don't mean.

It still sounds like counseling is the best idea, or even a marriage communication class. Maybe you can box it up that he's helping YOU and HIMSELF if he learns how to communicate, and that he won't have to say 'I don't know' about everything when he realizes it is not so hard to just talk about things. Because he's the type to just let things go and bottle up and pile up under the rug, it seems like he's afraid to just mention things when they happen. Is there any reason for this? You say that you don't fight with him much and you don't get loud, so what reason would he have for being concerned or worried about telling you something?

I'm just mentioning it because it makes me curious. For instance, I have some issues with my dad. I'm grown and married and I have my own kids, but I don't think he honestly sees past the time I was about four, or maybe twelve. Either way, it is not appropriate. Anyhow, BECAUSE of the way he would react to anything I shared with him when I was younger and even NOW, I stopped communicating with him. It was much easier to deal with my life and any of the fallout I caused myself without having to deal with any crap I got from him. I effectively avoided him for quite awhile but recently it all caved in on me because I talked to him about something because I thought I could trust him. Turns out I can't. He brought up all sorts of ugly resentful things that HE still hasn't gotten over and it was really shocking and hurtful to me. Since I know I could never do something like that to my daughters or my son, I asked him why, and how he could justify it. He never did answer, just decided he was right and I was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

Maybe... is your husband acting this way because of something in his past? Some behaviors like bottling up everything, walking away every time, confronting every time, these are defense mechanisms that we build up in response to things we have had to deal with that make things more tolerable for us. It doesn't necessarily contribute to a good relationship.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx