Another Blue Christmas?

Hello, and thanks for your kind response. I really feel for your mother; I know the pain she is going through. When Jonathan was first married, is behavior was just like your younger brother's. His oldest child was almost 2yrs old when I first saw her..and he only lived an hour away from me. I received an invitation to their housewarming, and had no idea they had bought a house...and the list goes on.

We cleared a few things up about five years ago, and things have been much better since. There is, however, still the problem of the preferential treatment my daughter in law's parents get. I hope they will grow up and realize that being with them is as important to us as it is to the other parents...and I hope your brother grows up and starts treating his mother the way she deserves to be treated!

Thank you, I hope so too. My mother is really hurt by it but she puts on the I do not care attitude. My mother was in the hospital four times within a month last year, my brother's take on it was, at first he did not know she was in the hospital, and the second was he was tired. He had the nerve to tell my mother what he and his wife did for her mother on Mother's day, and did not even mail my mother a card. My mother spoke up then, and asked him what about her, and he said he had no money.

I am the only family member that contacts him, everyone else is so fed up they do not what to even talk to him.

Thanks for the input, REALPICKLES. My son and his wife have been married almost fifteen years, and apparently when she puts her foot down, he moves. I've spoken to him about fairness and taking turns in the past, but all I get is excuses. If I try to talk to my daughter in law about this, I'm pretty sure she'll become angry, and that will affect my relationship with my son and grandchildren. I guess the only thing to do is feel grateful when I do see them..

Thanks, Deb. I am very fond of my daughter in law's father; he's a very nice man, and we seem to get along well. Her mother is another story. She's one of these people where you grit your teeth, count to ten and try not to blow up at her..totally annoying and selfish.
We invited her parents to a family Christmas party that we gave the week after Christmas last year, and they both came. They would never leave home on Christmas, because they always entertain many old friends there, as well as their youngest son.
Richard and I have lots of places to go for Christmas day, and we do. It's just that I would prefer spending the day with my son and grandchildren, every other year or so. Christmas has a special meaning for me, as it does for many of us, and I don't think it's too much to expect to share it once in awhile with Jonathan. My stepsons are nice kids, but they have other Christmas obligations, usually with their mother or grandmother, so we always get together after the holiday. They both live in NH, so a trek down to us on Christmas Eve is expecting a bit too much.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I can't get what I want, and live with it...but thanks for offering such good advice.

Most of us are raised with the big celebration of Christmas exactly on Christmas Day. We plan for weeks, then it's over in a flash. I would give anything to have one more Christmas like I had growing up, with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, plus of course my parents and brother. At the time, it seemed like so much bother, being taken away from all the new toys I'd opened that morning, since the celebration was always at my grandparents house. Now, my parents, grandparents and some of the aunts and uncles are gone. My brother married some one cut from the same mold as your daughter in laws mother, so while he and I talk on the phone frequently, I haven't seen him for 4 years. Closest I came was in 2001. My dad and grandfather were gone, but the rest all came to my house...21 people from all over the country. It took 2 kitchens to cook everything (my out of town neighbor let me use hers).
Now, sadly it's just my husband and step daughter and me for Christmas Day. My son, working in MD has not been able to get time off to be here on Christmas Day for 4 years either. (Four years ago my moms funeral was on Christmas Eve). My son, was however able to get a long weekend (Fri-Mon) and fly down in the middle of Jan. We had a 2nd Christmas! No presents were bought beforehand. We drew names, used an agreed upon amount of money, and hit the mall. It's amazing what you can find when everything is on sale. That's now become a tradition. While I will always wish that he could be here on Christmas, I have come to look forward to the 2nd one almost more, because we've created out own tradition out of necessity.

Maybe with a pre-arranged day set up with Jonathan and his family, where you know the day in advance so you still anticipate and look forward to it, maybe you can start liking that new tradition too. It seems to me that part of the problem is not knowing in advance when that day would be. If you take the frustration and disappointment out of the equation, it would be more enjoyable.

Deb, I think that may be the best idea I've heard so far. If I have to accept the fact that Christmas day is out for Jonathan and family, it would take the edge off things, I think, if we arranged a specific 'other Christmas" each year. It won't be as good, but maybe it's a compromise I can live with. Thanks!

I hope it works! Who knows, once the stress is out, maybe you'll like it better. It will make a tradition of Christmas unique to your family.

I have tried to look at this problem from everyone's view point, rusty. I am happy to share holidays with my in-laws; but the same thing holds true for Thanksgiving and Easter. I only mentioned Christmas because it's the one holiday that's really important to me, as a parent and grandparent.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to hope that my son and his family would want to share every other Christmas with me. I have never complained about or mentioned the other holidays.

Jonathan is my only child; my other two sons came to me as married adults. I love them dearly, but I'm sure you understand when I say that Jonathan holds a special place in my life. I have done everything I can do to let my feelings be known to him, and he's an adult. I guess I just have to accept the situation for what it is.

Thanks for your input!

Thanks for your comment, Carla. I'm not sure the size of your family is important; I think both families should have their share of the time with you. I know each set of parents want an equal turn to visit, especially when they don't see you often. I don't think I'm angry at my daughter in law, but I know I'm hurt that after 15 years she still doesn't think I deserve an equal amount of holiday time as her parents do. Call that petty if you want, but that's the way I feel.

I think the size of the family IS important, because if I'm expected to get to actually talk to each member of my family, I need more time to do so, than we need to talk to my husband's parents. In three hours time, we can have a nice long conversation with my in-laws that leaves everyone happy. Three hours with my family, and we don't even get to spend fifteen minutes talking to each person. I think that has to be considered. I'm not just saying that because it's my family. When my husband's grandma was alive, we drove over 3 hours one way to go see her (this is, of course, in addition to the 18 hours we spend driving one way just to get to where we are from), and I had NO problem doing so. I believe she deserved her fair time to see her grandson and great grandson.

Thanks for commenting, Sharra. I don't have to ask the question. My daughter in law's mother is a very selfish person who doesn't want to share holidays or anything else in life. He's going to the in-laws every Christmas to avoid problems at home, and I understand that..I just don't agree.

I understand that problem. My brother used to manage that sometimes by having lunch with one family and dinner with the other and he would alternate who got him for which meal. Even though our two families did not mix he made sure that he had Christmas with each one.

He has been divorced for years now and for while we had all our Christmas together but now the family is split. I live hundreds of miles away up north and cannot afford to travel back to see my brothers and one of his sons is currently working overseas.

Another good comment; thanks Tess! I have thought of talking to my daughter in law in the past, but we're not really close, and I'm not sure she will hear it as a positive conversation. The situation has gotten to the point, though, where I may throw caution to the wind and try anyway!

I'm sorry about your loss. It's especially hard to lose a mother. My own mother died in late October, and I remember Christmas that year was just getting thru the day. I wish you a joyful Christmas this year, and next..when you're finally back "home".

Thanks, babygurl..that's quite a suggestion! I wonder if my son would be allowed to bring my grandchildren with him when he comes to visit on Christmas? How does that arrangement work for people with children? Sadly, what we deserve and what we get are often not the same thing.

I guess I could try again, austere. I talked to him about it at length last year, and made no secret of how I felt..and he still ended up at his mother in law's house. I honestly don't think he's strong enough to stick up for what's right..or maybe he actually prefers being over there for Christmas. I don't know anymore. Thanks for writing.